pain

i got slighty crazy last night.
i found out that my big brother had tossed away my bracelets. you know, those bracelets with pointy spike looking thingies on it. i really, really liked those. and he comes, takes them, and goes away.
he goes away, and yesterday he said he had tossed them away, in the trash can. they're gone. they're gone.
i could barely hold my tears back in the car when we drove away. when i got home, i shut myself in my room. crying like shit, feeling the angst eating me from inside, feeling my nails scratch my face, my arms. i got crazy. i just kept on scratching my arms with my nails, screaming in my head "i don't care anymore! I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE!" and i flipped. i took out my razorblade and started to cut my arms, cut cut cut cut cut, both arms. they still hurt, and they are all red. it must be like over a 100 cuts all together. 130 maybe? i don't know.
with the tears streaming down my face, i barely felt the pain i was causing my arms. they were all bloody when i stopped. i wish i hadn't stopped. i couldn't feel the pain, so i wanted to make the cuts deeper, so that the blood could start streaming too, so that it would hurt. then i had the pain in my arms instead of in my heart. it would have been better. damnit, why did i stop?

i hope he is just kidding. he wouldn't do that, right? he's my brother for god's sake! why would he toss them away?! they are probably lying in his appartment somewhere. and he's probably laughing at me. everybody is probably laughing at me. i don't want to be here. i don't want to live. i want to die. the pain is too much to bare.
why can't i wear what i want to wear? not even that. is it just me who is some stupid weirdo, or is it everybody else who thinks i'm their toy they can just fool around with?
it's surely both. why wouldn't it be like that? for how much longer can i control myself? for how much longer will i put up with this? for how long will i stay alive?
i'm surprised why i haven't commited suicide yet
what is my reason for being here? for being alive?
all these stupid questions which needs to be answered!

the truth isn't so beautiful as most people believe.