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always is it something.
are they TRYING to make me sad? i don't want to hear those half whispers right infront of me, damn it! i can hear you pretty well, you know?
i spoke with the school nurse today, that didn't help a shit. what am i supposed to do? she told me that i'm feeling depressed over nothing. that i blame myself all the time. I was thinking that maybe she could do something, but no, i was WRONG! i guess my own theory works the best; to bare with it until it goes away. Don't tell anyone, don't show anyone. Keep the face all day long.
yes.
i barely ate today, i ate one sandwich in the morning and one icecream, and two glases of milk at lunch in school, and a third of a plate with food, and a bottle of cider, and some candy. not much. i was thinking that i could buy water with gas in it, so that if you drink of it you won't be so hungry anymore. that's a good idea, i think.
I don't want to tell anyone, because then they will look weird on me and be so "oh poor you"-ish. or they would just keep on going like nothing ever happened.

whatever.

my french buddy janick has gone back to france now. and matilda has gone away home too.
i'm all alone in my room now. i love it. now it's just that i have to go sleep soon, because it's school tomorrow and i start at 8.30
i don't want to go there. i can feel the angst digging in my chest only by the bare thought of it. i don't know why, i just don't want to do there. i don't like it. it feels like there is absolutely nobody who cares for me, except for lisa (who is moving away in a month). when she's gone i don't know what to do. maybe i'll go crazy or something. i don't want her to move! but i can't make her stay, so it's just to accept it as it is and make the best of it. although i really can't..

whenever i see the food in the school, even if i'm hungry to death, i can't eat. mom gets angry when she founds out that i haven't eaten in school one day. but it's nothing.

dad said something today. something i really didn't like. he said that maybe people will stop trusing me because of the way i dress now-a-days. then i asked if he did that too. he didn't say "no, i still trust you" he didn't say that. i have a feeling that he actually isn't trusting me anymore. i haven't done anything!
i almost started to cry in the car. i had some serious troubles trying to stop those tears from falling for quite some time there :o
my own father.
i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i want to stay in here, in my room. dark and such. so wonderful.. i can't believe i have to live like this for TWO YEARS. and then i graduate.
i see no purpose in staying alive. i just thought about it. what will i do when i graduate from high school? i have no clue at all. it's like there is nothing left for me.
what will i do?
what am i suppsoed to do?
i want to destroy something right now. but i can't. then someone will get angry with me for doing such a thing. they just don't understand.

they will never understand. never.
i was talking to mom about a friend who didn't feel so good. then she said that it's not so easy to understand, but then i said that i understand. but she just said that i didn't. she didn't understand it either, she said. i DO understand, because i'm feeling it even worse!
whenever i'm really really sad, i just feel like taking a huge knife and just slice my skin into two pieces. but that'll hurt really badly. but i don't CARE! I DON'T WANT TO CARE! I WANT TO DIE!
i know what you're thinking, you who are reading this. "She's sooo emo!!"
but you don't know what it feels like, in that case. so you have no right to tell me to just "get a grip" or something. it's not so damn simple, just to "be happy" in one second or two. it's really hard. so you can just shut up. :
so? maybe i AM blaming myself, but why shouldn't i? they can all leave their problems on me so that they can be happy. all the things that's happening around me, are they really NOT my fault? well, of course they are. whose fault would it be if NOT mine?

i'm tired. i want to go away somewhere.
i want to be in a dream world.

i think that i should sleep now, or i will be really tired tomorrow in the horrible school. :good night