i got slighty crazy last night.
i found out that my big brother had tossed away my bracelets. you know, those bracelets with pointy spike looking thingies on it. i really, really liked those. and he comes, takes them, and goes away.
he goes away, and yesterday he said he had tossed them away, in the trash can. they're gone. they're gone.
i could barely hold my tears back in the car when we drove away. when i got home, i shut myself in my room. crying like shit, feeling the angst eating me from inside, feeling my nails scratch my face, my arms. i got crazy. i just kept on scratching my arms with my nails, screaming in my head "i don't care anymore! I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE!" and i flipped. i took out my razorblade and started to cut my arms, cut cut cut cut cut, both arms. they still hurt, and they are all red. it must be like over a 100 cuts all together. 130 maybe? i don't know.
with the tears streaming down my face, i barely felt the pain i was causing my arms. they were all bloody when i stopped. i wish i hadn't stopped. i couldn't feel the pain, so i wanted to make the cuts deeper, so that the blood could start streaming too, so that it would hurt. then i had the pain in my arms instead of in my heart. it would have been better. damnit, why did i stop?
i hope he is just kidding. he wouldn't do that, right? he's my brother for god's sake! why would he toss them away?! they are probably lying in his appartment somewhere. and he's probably laughing at me. everybody is probably laughing at me. i don't want to be here. i don't want to live. i want to die. the pain is too much to bare.
why can't i wear what i want to wear? not even that. is it just me who is some stupid weirdo, or is it everybody else who thinks i'm their toy they can just fool around with?
it's surely both. why wouldn't it be like that? for how much longer can i control myself? for how much longer will i put up with this? for how long will i stay alive?
i'm surprised why i haven't commited suicide yet
what is my reason for being here? for being alive?
all these stupid questions which needs to be answered!
the truth isn't so beautiful as most people believe.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
:\
always is it something.
are they TRYING to make me sad? i don't want to hear those half whispers right infront of me, damn it! i can hear you pretty well, you know?
i spoke with the school nurse today, that didn't help a shit. what am i supposed to do? she told me that i'm feeling depressed over nothing. that i blame myself all the time. I was thinking that maybe she could do something, but no, i was WRONG! i guess my own theory works the best; to bare with it until it goes away. Don't tell anyone, don't show anyone. Keep the face all day long.
yes.
i barely ate today, i ate one sandwich in the morning and one icecream, and two glases of milk at lunch in school, and a third of a plate with food, and a bottle of cider, and some candy. not much. i was thinking that i could buy water with gas in it, so that if you drink of it you won't be so hungry anymore. that's a good idea, i think.
I don't want to tell anyone, because then they will look weird on me and be so "oh poor you"-ish. or they would just keep on going like nothing ever happened.
whatever.
my french buddy janick has gone back to france now. and matilda has gone away home too.
i'm all alone in my room now. i love it. now it's just that i have to go sleep soon, because it's school tomorrow and i start at 8.30
i don't want to go there. i can feel the angst digging in my chest only by the bare thought of it. i don't know why, i just don't want to do there. i don't like it. it feels like there is absolutely nobody who cares for me, except for lisa (who is moving away in a month). when she's gone i don't know what to do. maybe i'll go crazy or something. i don't want her to move! but i can't make her stay, so it's just to accept it as it is and make the best of it. although i really can't..
whenever i see the food in the school, even if i'm hungry to death, i can't eat. mom gets angry when she founds out that i haven't eaten in school one day. but it's nothing.
dad said something today. something i really didn't like. he said that maybe people will stop trusing me because of the way i dress now-a-days. then i asked if he did that too. he didn't say "no, i still trust you" he didn't say that. i have a feeling that he actually isn't trusting me anymore. i haven't done anything!
i almost started to cry in the car. i had some serious troubles trying to stop those tears from falling for quite some time there :o
my own father.
i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i want to stay in here, in my room. dark and such. so wonderful.. i can't believe i have to live like this for TWO YEARS. and then i graduate.
i see no purpose in staying alive. i just thought about it. what will i do when i graduate from high school? i have no clue at all. it's like there is nothing left for me.
what will i do?
what am i suppsoed to do?
i want to destroy something right now. but i can't. then someone will get angry with me for doing such a thing. they just don't understand.
they will never understand. never.
i was talking to mom about a friend who didn't feel so good. then she said that it's not so easy to understand, but then i said that i understand. but she just said that i didn't. she didn't understand it either, she said. i DO understand, because i'm feeling it even worse!
whenever i'm really really sad, i just feel like taking a huge knife and just slice my skin into two pieces. but that'll hurt really badly. but i don't CARE! I DON'T WANT TO CARE! I WANT TO DIE!
i know what you're thinking, you who are reading this. "She's sooo emo!!"
but you don't know what it feels like, in that case. so you have no right to tell me to just "get a grip" or something. it's not so damn simple, just to "be happy" in one second or two. it's really hard. so you can just shut up. :
so? maybe i AM blaming myself, but why shouldn't i? they can all leave their problems on me so that they can be happy. all the things that's happening around me, are they really NOT my fault? well, of course they are. whose fault would it be if NOT mine?
i'm tired. i want to go away somewhere.
i want to be in a dream world.
i think that i should sleep now, or i will be really tired tomorrow in the horrible school. :good night
are they TRYING to make me sad? i don't want to hear those half whispers right infront of me, damn it! i can hear you pretty well, you know?
i spoke with the school nurse today, that didn't help a shit. what am i supposed to do? she told me that i'm feeling depressed over nothing. that i blame myself all the time. I was thinking that maybe she could do something, but no, i was WRONG! i guess my own theory works the best; to bare with it until it goes away. Don't tell anyone, don't show anyone. Keep the face all day long.
yes.
i barely ate today, i ate one sandwich in the morning and one icecream, and two glases of milk at lunch in school, and a third of a plate with food, and a bottle of cider, and some candy. not much. i was thinking that i could buy water with gas in it, so that if you drink of it you won't be so hungry anymore. that's a good idea, i think.
I don't want to tell anyone, because then they will look weird on me and be so "oh poor you"-ish. or they would just keep on going like nothing ever happened.
whatever.
my french buddy janick has gone back to france now. and matilda has gone away home too.
i'm all alone in my room now. i love it. now it's just that i have to go sleep soon, because it's school tomorrow and i start at 8.30
i don't want to go there. i can feel the angst digging in my chest only by the bare thought of it. i don't know why, i just don't want to do there. i don't like it. it feels like there is absolutely nobody who cares for me, except for lisa (who is moving away in a month). when she's gone i don't know what to do. maybe i'll go crazy or something. i don't want her to move! but i can't make her stay, so it's just to accept it as it is and make the best of it. although i really can't..
whenever i see the food in the school, even if i'm hungry to death, i can't eat. mom gets angry when she founds out that i haven't eaten in school one day. but it's nothing.
dad said something today. something i really didn't like. he said that maybe people will stop trusing me because of the way i dress now-a-days. then i asked if he did that too. he didn't say "no, i still trust you" he didn't say that. i have a feeling that he actually isn't trusting me anymore. i haven't done anything!
i almost started to cry in the car. i had some serious troubles trying to stop those tears from falling for quite some time there :o
my own father.
i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i want to stay in here, in my room. dark and such. so wonderful.. i can't believe i have to live like this for TWO YEARS. and then i graduate.
i see no purpose in staying alive. i just thought about it. what will i do when i graduate from high school? i have no clue at all. it's like there is nothing left for me.
what will i do?
what am i suppsoed to do?
i want to destroy something right now. but i can't. then someone will get angry with me for doing such a thing. they just don't understand.
they will never understand. never.
i was talking to mom about a friend who didn't feel so good. then she said that it's not so easy to understand, but then i said that i understand. but she just said that i didn't. she didn't understand it either, she said. i DO understand, because i'm feeling it even worse!
whenever i'm really really sad, i just feel like taking a huge knife and just slice my skin into two pieces. but that'll hurt really badly. but i don't CARE! I DON'T WANT TO CARE! I WANT TO DIE!
i know what you're thinking, you who are reading this. "She's sooo emo!!"
but you don't know what it feels like, in that case. so you have no right to tell me to just "get a grip" or something. it's not so damn simple, just to "be happy" in one second or two. it's really hard. so you can just shut up. :
so? maybe i AM blaming myself, but why shouldn't i? they can all leave their problems on me so that they can be happy. all the things that's happening around me, are they really NOT my fault? well, of course they are. whose fault would it be if NOT mine?
i'm tired. i want to go away somewhere.
i want to be in a dream world.
i think that i should sleep now, or i will be really tired tomorrow in the horrible school. :good night
Saturday, August 26, 2006
happiness?
omg
yesterday was like the happiest day of my life. right as i was thinking about "when will he call me?" he calls me! omg, i went to where he was and we just stood there and looked at each other for a while, and then he said "but we can do this" or something like that, and suddenly kissed me. i couldn't believe what i was feeling.. his lips on mine! it was like my mind went blank, i couldn't think, just keep kissing him.
well.. after a while he had to go, but that was amazing! omg, it was like a dream coming true. really true!! he is soooo adorable! he said that i had to come visit him sometimes, and duh! of course i will! as often as i can, hopefully x3
it was like the answer to what i had written to him earlier "i just wanted you to know that i love you" it feels so good.
thank you, sweety ;P
well, now i'm off to go downtown with my french friend Janick and my best friend Matilda.
byebye
yesterday was like the happiest day of my life. right as i was thinking about "when will he call me?" he calls me! omg, i went to where he was and we just stood there and looked at each other for a while, and then he said "but we can do this" or something like that, and suddenly kissed me. i couldn't believe what i was feeling.. his lips on mine! it was like my mind went blank, i couldn't think, just keep kissing him.
well.. after a while he had to go, but that was amazing! omg, it was like a dream coming true. really true!! he is soooo adorable! he said that i had to come visit him sometimes, and duh! of course i will! as often as i can, hopefully x3
it was like the answer to what i had written to him earlier "i just wanted you to know that i love you" it feels so good.
thank you, sweety ;P
well, now i'm off to go downtown with my french friend Janick and my best friend Matilda.
byebye
Friday, August 25, 2006
lucky?
guess what? i can meet him anyway today! x3 but not for long, just to say goodbye. but that's oke, as long as i can see him before he moves away. i'm so happy.
before today, i was on my way to the shrink and i was hoping that i could get som antidepressants. But i was just so happy so i couldn't think of being sad ^^
ah, i have to go now
before today, i was on my way to the shrink and i was hoping that i could get som antidepressants. But i was just so happy so i couldn't think of being sad ^^
ah, i have to go now
bad situation?
so, i've never had a blog before. but i don't think it's something special just beacuse of that :s
i'm writing in this thingy, and to the guy i love on the msn. i told him that yesterday. he haven't said anything but i guess that's fine anyway. he moves away from here tomorrow. and he doesn't have time to see me. i find hat kind of heartbreaking, but i guess that's how life is: really unfair.
i'm thinking about going to the shrink today, i think i could need some help. depressed for alomst half a year now, and lots of things have happened. i've been thinking about suicide, and i've been very close a couple of times to actually do it. but, no.
i feel like shit. i feel like there is nobody who really cares about me, and like i don't have any real friends. except two. Lisa and Andreas. Andreas, that's the guy i love who moves tomorrow, you know? that is so.. depressing so i don't know what to do. But then i think that it's really lucky that i still have Lisa by my side, but no.. beacuse she moves too! in a month! that is like the worst thing that could happen to me right now, i think.
angst.. whenever i go to sleep every night.
i've been crying almost everyday this week. i used to hate crying, because i believed that was a very strong sign of weakness. i don't give a damn anymore. now-a-days i want to cry all the time it feels like. but i can't, maybe i've been crying too much before.
this isn't the worst time though. it was worst in May and June. those feelings.. omg.. there is a song who really explain the exact things i've been feeling. and that's dir en grey's Mushi (english translation of course ^^ www.songmeanings.com or something like that)
i'm not really sure why i feel like this, but the one thing i know that i want to feel even more like that. it felt like that pain was all i got, and now it's getting smaller and smaller... i want it back.
school isn't the best place for me right now, i think. there is nothing wrong with the people there, i like them, but sometimes they can say some quite hurtful things without knowing it. i don't hate them, but they are a small part for making me feel like this.
i just feel like everything i do, and don't do is bad. it's wrong. when i only sit on a chair infront of the computer, it's wrong! how can it be wrong when i'm not doing anything?! or if i've done my part of some schoolwork, and it's not good enough for the groupleader. i'm sorry for not being as smart as you!
and when i change my clothes and all, my brother hates the way i dress, and probably dad och mom too. if that's the only way i can feel just a bit better, then why can't i? why? it's so stupid how the world "must work" what is "normal" huh? can somebody explain that to me please?! so those who dresses in black clothes and so on, isn't "normal" well of course they are!
i think i've written a bit too much. but what ever..
this is a wallpaper made by me! :P and the little girl is made by Mark Ryden.
i'm writing in this thingy, and to the guy i love on the msn. i told him that yesterday. he haven't said anything but i guess that's fine anyway. he moves away from here tomorrow. and he doesn't have time to see me. i find hat kind of heartbreaking, but i guess that's how life is: really unfair.
i'm thinking about going to the shrink today, i think i could need some help. depressed for alomst half a year now, and lots of things have happened. i've been thinking about suicide, and i've been very close a couple of times to actually do it. but, no.
i feel like shit. i feel like there is nobody who really cares about me, and like i don't have any real friends. except two. Lisa and Andreas. Andreas, that's the guy i love who moves tomorrow, you know? that is so.. depressing so i don't know what to do. But then i think that it's really lucky that i still have Lisa by my side, but no.. beacuse she moves too! in a month! that is like the worst thing that could happen to me right now, i think.
angst.. whenever i go to sleep every night.
i've been crying almost everyday this week. i used to hate crying, because i believed that was a very strong sign of weakness. i don't give a damn anymore. now-a-days i want to cry all the time it feels like. but i can't, maybe i've been crying too much before.
this isn't the worst time though. it was worst in May and June. those feelings.. omg.. there is a song who really explain the exact things i've been feeling. and that's dir en grey's Mushi (english translation of course ^^ www.songmeanings.com or something like that)
i'm not really sure why i feel like this, but the one thing i know that i want to feel even more like that. it felt like that pain was all i got, and now it's getting smaller and smaller... i want it back.
school isn't the best place for me right now, i think. there is nothing wrong with the people there, i like them, but sometimes they can say some quite hurtful things without knowing it. i don't hate them, but they are a small part for making me feel like this.
i just feel like everything i do, and don't do is bad. it's wrong. when i only sit on a chair infront of the computer, it's wrong! how can it be wrong when i'm not doing anything?! or if i've done my part of some schoolwork, and it's not good enough for the groupleader. i'm sorry for not being as smart as you!
and when i change my clothes and all, my brother hates the way i dress, and probably dad och mom too. if that's the only way i can feel just a bit better, then why can't i? why? it's so stupid how the world "must work" what is "normal" huh? can somebody explain that to me please?! so those who dresses in black clothes and so on, isn't "normal" well of course they are!
i think i've written a bit too much. but what ever..
this is a wallpaper made by me! :P and the little girl is made by Mark Ryden.
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