booooored

so, i'm sitting 350 kilometers from Niclas and i'm having the most boring time...
i sit here, waiting for him to finish his dinner so he can come back to MSN. some life huh? xD MSN... xDD
sorry.. that's not funny at all... '^^

i am working on a gas station in Våmhus, an unknown place to most of the population of Sweden...
a god damn GASS STATION!! what am i doing here? no purpose at all. weird.. why didn't i get another job for 5 weeks, somwhere in Örebro huh? MOU! BAKKA WATASHI WA!

but.. otherwhise i got here today. i slept three and a half hours tonight.. i'm sooo tired.. my eyes feels like they're gonna blow any minute or something.. okey, not really but still!

i'm listening to Pink's new album.. she's okey too, i guess.. hmmm..
i sooo wanna go home.. just be at homel, alone, with my playstation2 playing Pirates. The light down and only candles lit up, along with the christmas tree, listening to Tatu and Eminem just for the memory of how it used to be before. it was fun, very fun. i loved those times on christmas break.

but i have some homework i don't understand too though.. *destroyed plans*
i'm tired..

niclas's back now btw. if that interests anybody else but me '^^ sorry..

i'm bored! give me something to doooooooooooooo...
well well.. i'll finish this now. bye bye *waves*

my heart burns for him

you came
and made me the happiest
i'm sorry for the things in the past
but they also prove to me
how much you really do love me,
a love that seems to be never ending
you made my heart feel warmth again

my heart burns for you
everytime i see you
my tummy goes up side down
my lips form a huge smile
i drown in your eyes.
and then you come and kiss me
could i be any happier?

your cool, faint smile,
after every kiss,
makes me melt.
and i start to wonder:
why me?

every second we're not together
i miss you like crazy
oh, how i wish you were here right now

strawberry love

strawberry smiles

oh, you make me do crazy things

strawberry smiles

oh, how i love you so

strawberry touches

i can smile again

strawberry touches

i'm the happiest

strawberry kisses

you make me shiver

strawberry kisses

you are my one and only

you're my strawberry,

my strawberry boy <3

writing too much? '^^

i'm such a fool for you now

you've got me fallen

with you i can feel my existence

my dead body, you revived

i can still not believe it's true

you're mine

without you i'm lost

oh how much i love you, baby

you sweep me off my feet

come, fire up and kiss me

again

feel the desire and take away my breath

again

i want to lay down my hand

on your warm skin

oh, i love it so

when your hand touches my cheeks

impossible, this love can not be real

what have i done to deserve you?

you, so wonderful and sweet

you, so handsome and cool

your mesmerizing eyes

i can't seem to stop look at them

your smile takes me away from reality

my honey, my sweetheart

you must be a dream

please, do not wake me

you're too wonderful to be real

i can't believe you love me

of all people

you saw me when i was invisible

you helped me when i was helpless

you loved me when no-one else would

you put life back into my world

i am eternally thankful to you, my love

lean on me

you are wonderful
i can't wait to kiss you again

while i was watching you
i realized something
my life wouldn't have the same meaning
if you weren't in it

come, kiss me again.
show me your love
come, kiss me again.

lean yourself on me
i'll try and make it better
feel free in my company
be yourself with me

don't even try to get through this alone
now that you have me

i know i'm small, but at least i have a big heart
lean on me, i'll try my best

a small thank you

my life seemed like a long nightmare
a nightmare i fell in love with
all the pain i've felt i loved.
whenever the slightest little feeling of happiness came my way,
i only wanted to remember the pain i've felt even more.

now
these days,
i don't want to feel it.

my stomach had this horrible feeling all the time.
and my soul felt broken. like something had cracked inside me.
whenever i laughed it was fake.
no social life
hiding in my room
crying for hours.
i felt so tired
so lost.

nothing could make me happy
nothing could make me see

now-a-days
i feel nothing.
nothing of the pain i used to feel.
and it leaves an emptiness

and he, who loves me so,
helps me feel something again.
more often and often now
i feel loved
i feel appreciated
i feel happiness

thank you

poetry tiiiime

unimagineable
i want to give up
so i can have nothing to live for

but when i think of you
i just can't
i can see something in your eyes
something my life is living for
yet, i dont know what it is
but i will bet my life on it
trying to find out
because with you
i can laugh truely
i can talk, and scream
and yet you will listen

thank you

my boy lollipop

mihi ^-^

i think i will be alright.
i've got niclas so it should be fine :))
i like him.
he is so sweet ^^,


i want to sleep now, i'm tired. oyasumi nasai ^^

who am i?

i usually cover up my feelings
whenever something is really bad i usually manage to hold back the tears.
i don't like to speak of serious things, about what i feel and such.
so i don't.
i avoid it very much.

i've been crying everyday for a couple of days now.
which means= this is bad, really really bad.

i don't laugh much either.
i used to be laughing everyday, all the time, a laugh which made others happy.
now it's just a fake laugh, whenever it occurs.

the choice i'll never own

do you know how it feels like, when your back hurts so much as if there was a huge invissible rock on it?
or, how your throat aches all the time as if the swallowed stone got stuck on the way done?
how your eyes hurts so much as if they were going to fall out?
but the worst of it all, do you know how it hurts so much when your soul has totally fallen apart and is so broken?
these feelings i walk around with all the time.
it doesn't feel so good, i can tell you.

if i had the choice, i would never leave this room i'm sitting in. lying on my bed, crying 'til the sheets are all wet. never going to school, never meet anyone who can hurt me, never do anything that i wouldn't want to do.

but what am i talking about?
i know this never going to happen. no matter how much i want it to.

i hate myself.
i can't believe what i did to you, twice! i'm the most horrible person on earth!
i can't believe what i see in the mirror every morning..
i can't believe who i've become.

hmm

hmmm...

what am i afraid or?! damnit, i'm such a horrible person :s

happiness? ^-^

oke, we speak again. me and niclas, i mean :P
we are friends again! x333
omg, he is sooo sweet! ihihiih

i spent the whole day with him today :p *happiness*

but one thing.. when we had P.E, my girlsfriends were really cruel to me, at least that's my opinion.
well i'm sorry! but i didn't know that we were going downtown yesterday! don't give me that crap, when i talk to you it's like i've been lying to you and ditched you. that's not true. and besides i thought that you would understand in a situation like this. i definitly would if the same thing happened to you :o yesterday was the first day that niclas and i hung out after school, since before the summer vacation :o and they go like berserk and accuse me for something like that.
am i really your friend? it sure as hell doesn't seem like that, not my true friends :O

i have other friends too, but you are the ones i hang out with in school, i don't want to be like a loner who doesn't have any friends in school. i like you very much, but when you do things like this: team up against me and say "you ditch us for a guy?!" all of you, that's not very nice.
what have i ever done to you?! :O
well.. whatever. we can talk tomorrow about this in school.

ooohh my gosh, niclas said "you make me smile" to me before x3 and then i said "likewhise" and he laughed. omg, he is so cute iihh
and he said that i have cool eyes,
and he gave me his shirt because i thought it was a bit cold!
see? that's a keeper
i like him very much! <3

arigatou gozaimasu niclas-kun! ^^,


*whispering*' and fuck you others, you're not nice to me when i can't be of use for you

just a little something

This is just something i wrote, and i call it "The love for a vampire"

As she looked down into the glass of see through liquid, which held a yellowish tone, he slowly spoke to her. “As the dawn breaks the day, I will no longer exist in this world of humans.” She rose from her rigid form, steadily looking up. Careful not to look into his eyes, she decided to rest her eyes on the star filled sky.

“The day when you are not here, my soul will seek you for eternity.” She spoke to him, with a voice so wise and trustworthy, finally looking into his mesmerizing eyes.

Swallowing the liquid, she stepped forward and gave the inhuman being the last kiss they would ever share.

Dying in his kiss, she sank to the floor. Tears of blood slowly falling down her lifeless cheeks.

d*mn it

oke, i'm doing fine. but not so fine for real. my thoughts have been drawn towards Niclas
my ex best friend och almost boyfriend a little while ago.
although we haven't spoken for 3 months, and i feel terrible.
today i spoke to him but he seems to be sooooo mad at me.. and that breaks my heart, because now i know that i love him.
i love him
Niclas if you're reading this.. I LOVE YOU! so much..
i said sorry several times to you, but you still seem so be angry with me.
but i hope that time will do the rest, if you ever want to come back to me.

you said to me on the phone 3 months ago that you wanted a second chance when i felt better.
then.. TAKE IT! i feel better
take it, please...
if you still want it of course

just used?

am i just being used?
am i only their friend if i can give them things, download stuff for them, or follow them around like some damn slave?

i only write things here that comes from my heart. and the major thing now is:

I WANT TO DIE.

i wonder how others feel when they read this.
it's stupid, really.
i just wish i could disappear.

how am i supposed to know if they aren't just lying to me..?
if they aren't just playing some role?
are they honest?
are they really like this?
or is it me who is too nice?
too believing?
fooled by the world, to think it's something else?

pain

i got slighty crazy last night.
i found out that my big brother had tossed away my bracelets. you know, those bracelets with pointy spike looking thingies on it. i really, really liked those. and he comes, takes them, and goes away.
he goes away, and yesterday he said he had tossed them away, in the trash can. they're gone. they're gone.
i could barely hold my tears back in the car when we drove away. when i got home, i shut myself in my room. crying like shit, feeling the angst eating me from inside, feeling my nails scratch my face, my arms. i got crazy. i just kept on scratching my arms with my nails, screaming in my head "i don't care anymore! I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE!" and i flipped. i took out my razorblade and started to cut my arms, cut cut cut cut cut, both arms. they still hurt, and they are all red. it must be like over a 100 cuts all together. 130 maybe? i don't know.
with the tears streaming down my face, i barely felt the pain i was causing my arms. they were all bloody when i stopped. i wish i hadn't stopped. i couldn't feel the pain, so i wanted to make the cuts deeper, so that the blood could start streaming too, so that it would hurt. then i had the pain in my arms instead of in my heart. it would have been better. damnit, why did i stop?

i hope he is just kidding. he wouldn't do that, right? he's my brother for god's sake! why would he toss them away?! they are probably lying in his appartment somewhere. and he's probably laughing at me. everybody is probably laughing at me. i don't want to be here. i don't want to live. i want to die. the pain is too much to bare.
why can't i wear what i want to wear? not even that. is it just me who is some stupid weirdo, or is it everybody else who thinks i'm their toy they can just fool around with?
it's surely both. why wouldn't it be like that? for how much longer can i control myself? for how much longer will i put up with this? for how long will i stay alive?
i'm surprised why i haven't commited suicide yet
what is my reason for being here? for being alive?
all these stupid questions which needs to be answered!

the truth isn't so beautiful as most people believe.

:\

always is it something.
are they TRYING to make me sad? i don't want to hear those half whispers right infront of me, damn it! i can hear you pretty well, you know?
i spoke with the school nurse today, that didn't help a shit. what am i supposed to do? she told me that i'm feeling depressed over nothing. that i blame myself all the time. I was thinking that maybe she could do something, but no, i was WRONG! i guess my own theory works the best; to bare with it until it goes away. Don't tell anyone, don't show anyone. Keep the face all day long.
yes.
i barely ate today, i ate one sandwich in the morning and one icecream, and two glases of milk at lunch in school, and a third of a plate with food, and a bottle of cider, and some candy. not much. i was thinking that i could buy water with gas in it, so that if you drink of it you won't be so hungry anymore. that's a good idea, i think.
I don't want to tell anyone, because then they will look weird on me and be so "oh poor you"-ish. or they would just keep on going like nothing ever happened.

whatever.

my french buddy janick has gone back to france now. and matilda has gone away home too.
i'm all alone in my room now. i love it. now it's just that i have to go sleep soon, because it's school tomorrow and i start at 8.30
i don't want to go there. i can feel the angst digging in my chest only by the bare thought of it. i don't know why, i just don't want to do there. i don't like it. it feels like there is absolutely nobody who cares for me, except for lisa (who is moving away in a month). when she's gone i don't know what to do. maybe i'll go crazy or something. i don't want her to move! but i can't make her stay, so it's just to accept it as it is and make the best of it. although i really can't..

whenever i see the food in the school, even if i'm hungry to death, i can't eat. mom gets angry when she founds out that i haven't eaten in school one day. but it's nothing.

dad said something today. something i really didn't like. he said that maybe people will stop trusing me because of the way i dress now-a-days. then i asked if he did that too. he didn't say "no, i still trust you" he didn't say that. i have a feeling that he actually isn't trusting me anymore. i haven't done anything!
i almost started to cry in the car. i had some serious troubles trying to stop those tears from falling for quite some time there :o
my own father.
i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i want to stay in here, in my room. dark and such. so wonderful.. i can't believe i have to live like this for TWO YEARS. and then i graduate.
i see no purpose in staying alive. i just thought about it. what will i do when i graduate from high school? i have no clue at all. it's like there is nothing left for me.
what will i do?
what am i suppsoed to do?
i want to destroy something right now. but i can't. then someone will get angry with me for doing such a thing. they just don't understand.

they will never understand. never.
i was talking to mom about a friend who didn't feel so good. then she said that it's not so easy to understand, but then i said that i understand. but she just said that i didn't. she didn't understand it either, she said. i DO understand, because i'm feeling it even worse!
whenever i'm really really sad, i just feel like taking a huge knife and just slice my skin into two pieces. but that'll hurt really badly. but i don't CARE! I DON'T WANT TO CARE! I WANT TO DIE!
i know what you're thinking, you who are reading this. "She's sooo emo!!"
but you don't know what it feels like, in that case. so you have no right to tell me to just "get a grip" or something. it's not so damn simple, just to "be happy" in one second or two. it's really hard. so you can just shut up. :
so? maybe i AM blaming myself, but why shouldn't i? they can all leave their problems on me so that they can be happy. all the things that's happening around me, are they really NOT my fault? well, of course they are. whose fault would it be if NOT mine?

i'm tired. i want to go away somewhere.
i want to be in a dream world.

i think that i should sleep now, or i will be really tired tomorrow in the horrible school. :good night

happiness?

omg
yesterday was like the happiest day of my life. right as i was thinking about "when will he call me?" he calls me! omg, i went to where he was and we just stood there and looked at each other for a while, and then he said "but we can do this" or something like that, and suddenly kissed me. i couldn't believe what i was feeling.. his lips on mine! it was like my mind went blank, i couldn't think, just keep kissing him.
well.. after a while he had to go, but that was amazing! omg, it was like a dream coming true. really true!! he is soooo adorable! he said that i had to come visit him sometimes, and duh! of course i will! as often as i can, hopefully x3
it was like the answer to what i had written to him earlier "i just wanted you to know that i love you" it feels so good.
thank you, sweety ;P

well, now i'm off to go downtown with my french friend Janick and my best friend Matilda.
byebye

lucky?

guess what? i can meet him anyway today! x3 but not for long, just to say goodbye. but that's oke, as long as i can see him before he moves away. i'm so happy.
before today, i was on my way to the shrink and i was hoping that i could get som antidepressants. But i was just so happy so i couldn't think of being sad ^^
ah, i have to go now

bad situation?

so, i've never had a blog before. but i don't think it's something special just beacuse of that :s
i'm writing in this thingy, and to the guy i love on the msn. i told him that yesterday. he haven't said anything but i guess that's fine anyway. he moves away from here tomorrow. and he doesn't have time to see me. i find hat kind of heartbreaking, but i guess that's how life is: really unfair.

i'm thinking about going to the shrink today, i think i could need some help. depressed for alomst half a year now, and lots of things have happened. i've been thinking about suicide, and i've been very close a couple of times to actually do it. but, no.

i feel like shit. i feel like there is nobody who really cares about me, and like i don't have any real friends. except two. Lisa and Andreas. Andreas, that's the guy i love who moves tomorrow, you know? that is so.. depressing so i don't know what to do. But then i think that it's really lucky that i still have Lisa by my side, but no.. beacuse she moves too! in a month! that is like the worst thing that could happen to me right now, i think.

angst.. whenever i go to sleep every night.
i've been crying almost everyday this week. i used to hate crying, because i believed that was a very strong sign of weakness. i don't give a damn anymore. now-a-days i want to cry all the time it feels like. but i can't, maybe i've been crying too much before.
this isn't the worst time though. it was worst in May and June. those feelings.. omg.. there is a song who really explain the exact things i've been feeling. and that's dir en grey's Mushi (english translation of course ^^ www.songmeanings.com or something like that)

i'm not really sure why i feel like this, but the one thing i know that i want to feel even more like that. it felt like that pain was all i got, and now it's getting smaller and smaller... i want it back.

school isn't the best place for me right now, i think. there is nothing wrong with the people there, i like them, but sometimes they can say some quite hurtful things without knowing it. i don't hate them, but they are a small part for making me feel like this.

i just feel like everything i do, and don't do is bad. it's wrong. when i only sit on a chair infront of the computer, it's wrong! how can it be wrong when i'm not doing anything?! or if i've done my part of some schoolwork, and it's not good enough for the groupleader. i'm sorry for not being as smart as you!

and when i change my clothes and all, my brother hates the way i dress, and probably dad och mom too. if that's the only way i can feel just a bit better, then why can't i? why? it's so stupid how the world "must work" what is "normal" huh? can somebody explain that to me please?! so those who dresses in black clothes and so on, isn't "normal" well of course they are!

i think i've written a bit too much. but what ever..

this is a wallpaper made by me! :P and the little girl is made by Mark Ryden.

my first blog

:O