i'm writing in this thingy, and to the guy i love on the msn. i told him that yesterday. he haven't said anything but i guess that's fine anyway. he moves away from here tomorrow. and he doesn't have time to see me. i find hat kind of heartbreaking, but i guess that's how life is: really unfair.
i'm thinking about going to the shrink today, i think i could need some help. depressed for alomst half a year now, and lots of things have happened. i've been thinking about suicide, and i've been very close a couple of times to actually do it. but, no.
i feel like shit. i feel like there is nobody who really cares about me, and like i don't have any real friends. except two. Lisa and Andreas. Andreas, that's the guy i love who moves tomorrow, you know? that is so.. depressing so i don't know what to do. But then i think that it's really lucky that i still have Lisa by my side, but no.. beacuse she moves too! in a month! that is like the worst thing that could happen to me right now, i think.
angst.. whenever i go to sleep every night.
i've been crying almost everyday this week. i used to hate crying, because i believed that was a very strong sign of weakness. i don't give a damn anymore. now-a-days i want to cry all the time it feels like. but i can't, maybe i've been crying too much before.
this isn't the worst time though. it was worst in May and June. those feelings.. omg.. there is a song who really explain the exact things i've been feeling. and that's dir en grey's Mushi (english translation of course ^^ www.songmeanings.com or something like that)
i'm not really sure why i feel like this, but the one thing i know that i want to feel even more like that. it felt like that pain was all i got, and now it's getting smaller and smaller... i want it back.
school isn't the best place for me right now, i think. there is nothing wrong with the people there, i like them, but sometimes they can say some quite hurtful things without knowing it. i don't hate them, but they are a small part for making me feel like this.
i just feel like everything i do, and don't do is bad. it's wrong. when i only sit on a chair infront of the computer, it's wrong! how can it be wrong when i'm not doing anything?! or if i've done my part of some schoolwork, and it's not good enough for the groupleader. i'm sorry for not being as smart as you!
and when i change my clothes and all, my brother hates the way i dress, and probably dad och mom too. if that's the only way i can feel just a bit better, then why can't i? why? it's so stupid how the world "must work" what is "normal" huh? can somebody explain that to me please?! so those who dresses in black clothes and so on, isn't "normal" well of course they are!
i think i've written a bit too much. but what ever..
this is a wallpaper made by me! :P and the little girl is made by Mark Ryden.
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